Some people get angry with God when tragedy strikes, others find comfort in him. For me, I found my faith again. There were times where I sat on our bedroom floor unable to move and all I could do was look up and pray. I was literally like Kesha, falling on my knees praying. It took me a little bit to realize that faith in the almighty doesn’t give us immunity from difficulties, but peace in the difficulties.
The first lab appointment I had was for a CA125 baseline and genetic testing. I was still recovering from the first surgery but drove myself an hour to the lab my OB/GYN’s office recommended. I expected it to be just a regular lab. I was almost paralyzed as I stepped off the elevator onto the second floor. It was basically their cancer floor. I passed the mammogram area, cancer awareness ribbons, an oncologist office, finally resting sight on the lab. It was a rushing glimpse of the world I was about to be submerged in and I remember asking myself, “how the hell did I get here, how is this a part of my life?” I plopped my sweat pant self down in that lab seat and gazed outside. It was all a nightmare and surely I would wake up soon.
I was crushed. My new reality was starting to mount up. Then without texting or calling, she knew, somehow she knew what I needed. A friend sent me TobyMac, Move and the tears just streamed down. One listen and the song was downloaded, added to my playlist, and then played on repeat all the way home with tears just flowing. I found myself praying between lyrics. The lyric, lift your head, it ain’t over yet, hold on, hold on, the Lord ain’t finished yet, gave me strength. The song became my mantra from that point forward. There is not a single appointment relating to cancer that I walk into without listening to that song first.
It took me a couple of months but I finally stepped foot inside of a church with my husband and girls. I pushed my husband to do this with me and for me and he obliged. Luckily my sister-in-law and brother-in-law attended the church we decided to try so we had great tour guides. I was at peace, my soul needed that sanctuary, scripture, and songs more than I even realized. Eagle Church became an enriching place my soul needed beyond what I even understood. I then immersed myself in Lent study during the season and began to walk with God again.
Having faith and hope is so necessary in this journey. Without those two things I would be lost. Having a relationship with God isn’t about having all of the answers or understanding why bad things happen to good people. It truly is about the peace, the calm through the storm.
I also found that my faith was never truly gone, it was always right there waiting for me to start dusting off. With each daily devotional my faith grew but so did my peace. I now lift my hand up to feel his presence during worship.
I have often said in this journey that God will take you to the edge and he will either catch you or he will teach you how to fly. He’s been teaching me how to fly since the day of the diagnosis. He never wavers, he is there, we just have to let him either guide us or catch us.
If you find yourself falling on your knees, look up. He’s always listening and you’ll find the peace you are looking for if your heart is open to receiving it.
She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future. -Proverbs 31:25
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31