The Diet

You know how you are super excited to start a new diet and you just want all the details in it?!  I was so excited to learn more about the new diet with the clinical study and that day finally arrived!!!!  Yes!  Finally!  Let’s do some back flips, this is going to be easy breezy!  What were the diet gods saying?!  Oh they weren’t saying anything at all, they were too busy rolling around on the floor laughing to say anything at all!

I am semi-fit.  Ok, kinda fit.  I am somewhat fit.  Let’s get real, I like the idea of being fit but I also like cheesecake and let’s not forget the wine!  I am ready to kill this though.  My binder was open.  I was ready with my pen in hand.  She gave me my first goal, 4 servings of vegetables a day.  That sounds doable!  Then she said, “let’s break that down.”  Uhhh… ok how hard could that be?!

First up, I needed to eat 1 cup of cruciferous vegetables.  Hold up, I’ll ask, “what in the world is a cruciferous vegetable?!”  Then she uttered words like, “the gas-forming vegetables.”  With examples such as; arugula, bok choy, watercress, rutabaga, and kohlrabi.  I was like, “ummmm I live in Indiana, you know the Midwest, what the heck did you just say?!”  To which she replied, “others are broccoli, kale, mustard greens, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, radishes, turnips, and collard greens.”  Got it, you said I could eat broccoli, cauliflower, and kale….  I mean who in their right mind eats the others unless it’s a fancy cole slaw?

Next she said I needed to eat 1 cup of dark green vegetables.  That only added green beans, asparagus, spinach, and romaine lettuce to the kale and broccoli that I could eat in the other catergory.  Hmmm…  my excitement was starting to flicker just a bit, still thinking that, “I got this!”  I mean I like salads, I’ve got this, pshhhh!

To round out the vegetables, she talked about the orange vegetable goal.  Do you know if you eat too many carrots that you can turn orange?!  I am now in the know of that, it’s a very real thing.  My oncologist office talked about it.  But on this list, I can eat carrots, acorn squash, butternut squash, pumpkin, carrots, orange bell peppers, and sweet potatoes.  What I heard was, carrots.  Who eats pumpkin by itself?  I mean I know that I am a fairly skinny white girl and fall is approaching and I should want pumpkin everything but I am more of the carving pumpkins girl than the pumpkin latte girl.  But seriously, who just eats pumpkin, is this really a thing?!

Now, I know how to add.  She said my goal was 4 at the beginning and I am only counting three.  “Is there some vegetable with two heads out there that I am unaware of,” I ask?  She chuckles and says, “no you get to pick from any of the ones that I mentioned to make up the fourth serving.”  Joy…. what the hell did I just sign up for?

Wait, there is more.  No, there can’t be, can there?!  “Let’s talk about fruit, shall we,” she utters.  Sure, let’s talk about fruit!  She says, “your goal is to eat two servings of fruit a day.”  Well, thank goodness it’s not more vegetables is all I was thinking!  Then she added that one serving needed to be citrus.  Ok, I am back to, “you need to explain this, what do you mean?” She went on to say, “citrus includes, oranges, tangerines, limes, tangelos, lemons, clementines, kumquats, and grapefruit.”  What I heard her say is that I would be downing orange juice from shot glasses to get the citrus part of this daily diet down!  Let’s relive my college days every single morning!  In her one sentence I think I realized I am not a citrus fan.

I’m still feeling positive, slightly deflated, but still thinking I’ve got this, sort of.  “Now let’s talk about your fiber goal,” she remarks.  “Your daily fiber goal is 30 grams per day,” she tells me.  At this point I am cleaning my ears out, because I am sure she said that was my weekly goal, not my daily goal.  I am convinced I heard her wrong so I ask, “can you repeat that?”  She then replied with 30 grams of fiber per day was my goal.  WHAT????  Is that even remotely possible?  I mean do you know how much I am going to have to poop on a daily basis?  Do you know how much Scentsy I am going to have to purchase just to keep up with 30 grams of fiber daily?  Seriously, I am going to have to take up stock in Scentsy or keep my Scentsy lady Robin Lanham on speed dial just to keep our bathrooms smelling somewhat decent!  I even reached out to Robin and said can we create an Amanda’s Diet Party just to keep up with my farts and poops from this new diet?!  Luckily, I have the best Scentsy lady out there and she whipped together a party just for me!  Just click on any word that says Scentsy and it will take you directly there and then join my party!  I am going to need all the help I can get!  Luna, take me away!

She then told me I had one more diet goal.  I kind of want to eat 37 tacos, but let’s hear this last goal.  She unravels that my last goal is not to consume more than 26 grams of fat per day.  I then flip over the individualized package of goldfish I was snacking on to read that it contained 4.5 grams of fat, to which I stopped eating.  And to think, I prayed about this, god led me to this, he has a sense of humor doesn’t he?!

I have spent the last couple of days strategizing over how best to accomplish these goals on a daily basis.  I am going to be a college girl each morning to get my citrus in, I’ll channel my inner hippy child and go vegetarian for lunch, and then I’ll be mother of the year and show my kids how to eat their vegetables like a boss!  I’ll then hope that my digestive system adjusts to the shock I am about to give it and that one day I won’t be a gas-forming ball of stink!  Until my digestive system catches up, there is always Scentsy.

This also might be a great test of for better or worse with my husband!  I can see the wrinkled nose to what I am eating, along with the, “you might want to turn on the fan in the bathroom,” in my horizon.

Raise those cabernet glasses!  Cheers to two years of the clinical study!

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